SUNDAY 6 05 PM...REFLECTIONS

OK
SO I STAYED IN...TOTALLY BEHAVED..AND I WOKE UP WITH A STUFFED NOSE...UGH....SUCKS.
WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO THE BUILDING GYM..DID THE EYLPTICAL MACHINE FOR 20 MINUTES HARD...CHECKED MY EMAILS...SPOKE WITH SAM...CHECKED UP ON PHILIP.(MY NEPHEW) HE IS STARTING TO COME AROUND...SMILED FOR THE FIRST TIME YESTERDAY...HE GETS THE PADDING THEY PACKED HIS NOSE WITH REMOVED ON TUESDAY..HOPEFULLY HE WILL RETURN TO HIS USUAL CRAZY ASS...I USED TO THINK HE WAS WAY TOO WILD, ..I PREFER WILD THE SEE HIM SUFFER AND OUT OF IT.

MY SISTER SHELLY BOUGHT A HOUSE IN NEWPORT RITCHIE... OR AS SHE CALLS IT NEWPORT RICKETY. SAM AND I WERE SPEAKING ABOUT SHELLY TODAY AND WE BOTH SAID HOW F**KING PROUD WE ARE OF HER. SHE REALLY HAS GOT THING IN ORDER FOR HER SINCE OUR MOTHER PASSED. TONITE IS THE NITE WHERE YOU LIGHT THE YARZEIT CANDLE TO COMMERATE THE ANNIVESARY OF OUR MOMS PASSING. I LIT IT AT 5 22 PM AS SUNDOWN. TOUGH DAY...IT HURTS TO THINK TOO DEEPLY ABOUT IT.

I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE I LOVE SUFFER. SUFFER IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, SUFFER IN POVERTY, SUFFER IN SILENCE BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD HEAR THEM. SUFFER IN DISEASE, WITH LOSS. I AM TIRED OF IT. I TRY TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST I CAN WITH THIS BODY AND THIS MIND. I DONT WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT MONEY( SAVINGS ETC) AS I WANT TO ENJOY IT AND HAVE THE PEOPLE I LOVE ENJOY IT WHILE I AM STILL HERE. I WATCHED MONEY OWN ALL OF MY MOTHERS DECISIONS( AND SHE REALLY DIDNT HAVE MUCH OF IT) BUT SHE DIDNT ENJOY WHAT SHE HAD. AND I REFUSE TO DO IT. I LOVE MY MOM, MY SISTERS MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS, BUT I AM SORRY,,I WILL SPEND MY MONEY AS I LIKE TO...ENJOYING THE NOW. SO I SAY TO YOU: ENJOY WHERE YOU ARE AT. I AM NOT GOING TO BE 50 YRS OLD AND REGRET ANY DECISION I MADE. I HAVE FUCKED UP ENOUGH IN 38 YRS. I LOST ENOUGH TIME . LOST YEARS WITH OUT MY MOTHERS LOVE :WHEN MY FATHER AND STEPMOTHER VIOLATED EVERY FIBER OF MY SOUL( AND MY SISTERS) WITH THEIR HATRED THEIR FISTS AND THEIR MOUTHS ...I AM NOT LOST ANY MORE AND I REFUSE TO SUFFER. SO TONITE AS I LIT THE CANDLE, I PRAYED OUTLOUD SOMETHING LIKE THIS " MOM I LOVE AND MISS YOU..YOU KNOW WHAT ITS ME AND MY HEART..SO I WONT SAY TO MUCH..YOU ARE MISSED AND I LL SEE YOU SOON..JUST NOT TOO SOON...WATCH OVER ME ..LOVE YOU!"...

SO,,I SEEM TO HAVE SAID WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HERE. BUT I KNOW ME BETTER THEN ANYONE AND WITH THAT I KNOW MY FAULTS AND MY DRAMA, BUT I F**KING LOVE WHO I AM .I AM REAL, I AM PASSIONATE AND FUNNY. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, I DONT PRETEND TO BE ANYONE I AM NOT.AND UP TIL NOW ITS WORKED FOR ME, WOULD I LIKE TO BE 50LBS LIGHTER( HELL YES) ..THATS IT, ONLY THING ID CHANGE ABOUT ME. SO IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU FEEL ME, TAKE A SECOND AND LOVE WHERE YOU ARE AT IN YOUR LIFE AT THIS SECOND.

PEACE AND LIGHT

J


PEOPLE I AM LIVING FOR:

SAM AND SHELL

ALWAYS AND FORVER