904 PM SATURDAY

I AM SO STRESSED OUT(AND NOT DEALING WITH IT) THAT MY EYES, AND FACE HAVE BEEN NERVOUS TWITCHING ALL DAY. I DONT FEEL STRESSED BUT SUPRESSING IT(ALLEGEDLY)....I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE

I HAVE ALOT TO COME TO GRIPS WITH
I NEED TO DEAL WITH MY RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
I ALSO NEED TO BE HONEST WITH MYSELF ...BRUTALLY HONEST.

I KNOW WHAT IS NECESSARY, BUT I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING SINGLE. I HAVE A HARD TIME MEETING GUYS BECAUSE I AM NOT A STICK FIGURE, A GYM BUNNY OR A LEADING MAN TYPE. I AM JUST ME..ALWAYS WORKING....IN A BUBBLE. KNOWS TONS OF PEOPLE, BUT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ME

I ALSO LOVE (HIM) ((ALOT))...AND SAYING GOODBYE SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE..I SAY IT, HE CHASES ME AND APOLOGIZES AND "BEGS" TO BE GIVEN ANOTHER SHOT..JUST ON ONLY ONE( TURNS INTO ONE A WEEK) AND I KEEP ON PUSHING THE LINE IN THE SAND FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY ..SOO FAR AWAY/SOMEWHERE THAT I FORGOT WHY I EVEN BOTHERED.

BOTH OF MY PARENTS SUFFERED IN BOTH THEIR FIRST AND SECOND MARRIAGES. MY SISTER SAM HAS SO MUCH TO CONTEND WITH IN HER OWN THAT I WORRY FOR HER(MORE THEN ILL ADMIT) . MY EDEST SISTER SHELLY HAS BEEN ENGAGED TWICE BUT NEVER MARRIED...AND I, HAVE NEVER HAD ANYMORE AS PERMANENT AS POOKS CANUCK.

I AM GOING TO TAKE SOEM TME AND OUT THIS ON HOLD AND SORT THRU THIS WITHOUT A PANEL VOTE; TONS OF TALKING WITH FRIENDS ABOUT SOEMTHING THAT I MUST CHOOSE FROM MY CORE. CAN I JUST BE HIS FRIEND AND HAVE BENEFITS ON THE SIDE? CAN I JUST BE HIS FRIEND AND BE THAT? CAN I BE A LOVER WITH NO STRINGS? CAN I JUST BE?

ITS TIMES LIKE THIS I WISH HE WAS HERE, TO TALK TO ABOUT ANYTHING. SITTING ON MY COUCH , WATCHIG HIM WATCH TV, HIS PROFILE, HIS LOUD LAUGH...HIM LOOKING OVER AT ME AND GRABBING MY HAND TO KISS IT AND THEN SQUEEZING IT HARD ENOUGH TO HURT...MAKING ME FEEL LOVED AND ALIVE. NOW ITS JUST TOGETHER AND ALONE..ME PUSHING HIM AWAY FOR EVERY ERROR , ME TRYING TO HURT HIM BY REMOVING MY LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM HIS AS REJECTION.

I AM GLAD JILL IS HERE, ITS KEEPING ME FOCUSED, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, ON OUR BONDING OVER 2 DECADES OF SUPER LOVING FRIENDSHIP.I WILL BE SAD TO SEE HER GO, BUT I FEEL RECHARGED BY HER LIGHT. SHE SEEMS HAPPY AND GROUNDED..AND WELL ON HER WAY AS WELL.

I CONFIDED IN HER THAT MY FRIENDSHIP WITH DARRYLL SEEM STO HAVE HOT SOME SORT OF NOTHINGNESS, AND I T CONCERNS ME.

SHE FEELS MY SITUATION WITH POOKS HAS TO CHANGE. SHE HAS BEEN VERY "TEAM POOKS" FROM THE DAY SHE MET HIM..BUT SHE HAS SEEN SOME OF THE DRAMA I CINTEND WITH, AND ADD TO..AND SHE IS LIKE " UM, NOT SO MUCH"....IS IT LIEK WATCHING A CAR CRASH IN SLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOW MOTION? OR IS IT WATCHING SOMEONE SIMPY GO THRU THE MOTINS? WHO KNOWS..I AM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF

ANYWAY
MY HEAD IS SLOWLY THROBBING
MY FACE IS TWITCHING
AND JILL IS LISTNEING TO USTIN TIMBERLAKE IN MY LIVING ROOM.....
I NEED TO BREATHE AND LET THIS SITUATION ISSUE BREATHE ON IT S OWN FOR A DAY OR THREE
LOVING YOU
LIVING IN THE LIGHT

J