Saturday, September 29, 2007

904 PM SATURDAY

I AM SO STRESSED OUT(AND NOT DEALING WITH IT) THAT MY EYES, AND FACE HAVE BEEN NERVOUS TWITCHING ALL DAY. I DONT FEEL STRESSED BUT SUPRESSING IT(ALLEGEDLY)....I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE

I HAVE ALOT TO COME TO GRIPS WITH
I NEED TO DEAL WITH MY RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
I ALSO NEED TO BE HONEST WITH MYSELF ...BRUTALLY HONEST.

I KNOW WHAT IS NECESSARY, BUT I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING SINGLE. I HAVE A HARD TIME MEETING GUYS BECAUSE I AM NOT A STICK FIGURE, A GYM BUNNY OR A LEADING MAN TYPE. I AM JUST ME..ALWAYS WORKING....IN A BUBBLE. KNOWS TONS OF PEOPLE, BUT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ME

I ALSO LOVE (HIM) ((ALOT))...AND SAYING GOODBYE SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE..I SAY IT, HE CHASES ME AND APOLOGIZES AND "BEGS" TO BE GIVEN ANOTHER SHOT..JUST ON ONLY ONE( TURNS INTO ONE A WEEK) AND I KEEP ON PUSHING THE LINE IN THE SAND FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY ..SOO FAR AWAY/SOMEWHERE THAT I FORGOT WHY I EVEN BOTHERED.

BOTH OF MY PARENTS SUFFERED IN BOTH THEIR FIRST AND SECOND MARRIAGES. MY SISTER SAM HAS SO MUCH TO CONTEND WITH IN HER OWN THAT I WORRY FOR HER(MORE THEN ILL ADMIT) . MY EDEST SISTER SHELLY HAS BEEN ENGAGED TWICE BUT NEVER MARRIED...AND I, HAVE NEVER HAD ANYMORE AS PERMANENT AS POOKS CANUCK.

I AM GOING TO TAKE SOEM TME AND OUT THIS ON HOLD AND SORT THRU THIS WITHOUT A PANEL VOTE; TONS OF TALKING WITH FRIENDS ABOUT SOEMTHING THAT I MUST CHOOSE FROM MY CORE. CAN I JUST BE HIS FRIEND AND HAVE BENEFITS ON THE SIDE? CAN I JUST BE HIS FRIEND AND BE THAT? CAN I BE A LOVER WITH NO STRINGS? CAN I JUST BE?

ITS TIMES LIKE THIS I WISH HE WAS HERE, TO TALK TO ABOUT ANYTHING. SITTING ON MY COUCH , WATCHIG HIM WATCH TV, HIS PROFILE, HIS LOUD LAUGH...HIM LOOKING OVER AT ME AND GRABBING MY HAND TO KISS IT AND THEN SQUEEZING IT HARD ENOUGH TO HURT...MAKING ME FEEL LOVED AND ALIVE. NOW ITS JUST TOGETHER AND ALONE..ME PUSHING HIM AWAY FOR EVERY ERROR , ME TRYING TO HURT HIM BY REMOVING MY LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM HIS AS REJECTION.

I AM GLAD JILL IS HERE, ITS KEEPING ME FOCUSED, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, ON OUR BONDING OVER 2 DECADES OF SUPER LOVING FRIENDSHIP.I WILL BE SAD TO SEE HER GO, BUT I FEEL RECHARGED BY HER LIGHT. SHE SEEMS HAPPY AND GROUNDED..AND WELL ON HER WAY AS WELL.

I CONFIDED IN HER THAT MY FRIENDSHIP WITH DARRYLL SEEM STO HAVE HOT SOME SORT OF NOTHINGNESS, AND I T CONCERNS ME.

SHE FEELS MY SITUATION WITH POOKS HAS TO CHANGE. SHE HAS BEEN VERY "TEAM POOKS" FROM THE DAY SHE MET HIM..BUT SHE HAS SEEN SOME OF THE DRAMA I CINTEND WITH, AND ADD TO..AND SHE IS LIKE " UM, NOT SO MUCH"....IS IT LIEK WATCHING A CAR CRASH IN SLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOW MOTION? OR IS IT WATCHING SOMEONE SIMPY GO THRU THE MOTINS? WHO KNOWS..I AM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF

ANYWAY
MY HEAD IS SLOWLY THROBBING
MY FACE IS TWITCHING
AND JILL IS LISTNEING TO USTIN TIMBERLAKE IN MY LIVING ROOM.....
I NEED TO BREATHE AND LET THIS SITUATION ISSUE BREATHE ON IT S OWN FOR A DAY OR THREE
LOVING YOU
LIVING IN THE LIGHT

J

5 comments:

Ron said...

Hi Jason, I would really like to talk with you some more. I am not a psychiatrist but I am actually going through something now myself. I am getting involved with someone just like your other half. And I need to make a decision to stand firm and not make the same mistakes, and be with the EXACT same kind of guy, again. Yes, it is difficult and I don't want to be alone and neither do you. But you won't be. You have a terrific support system. One thing I noticed in your very last post was "MAKING ME FEEL LOVED AND ALIVE". That comes from within you, not within him. Only you can make yourself feel loved and alive by absorbing in the things, or people around you. It sound like that feeling is sort of an addiction for you, just like drugs. Don't accept less than you deserve. Picture your life, the way you want it to be, and then compare it with the way it is. The answers are there. You can write to me anytime. For a more direct response, since I only check my blog every so often, I meant it when I said to write to me at rscaron@gmail.com. Take care of yourself first. Remember if you choose to leave this relationship it will be hard. If you choose to stay, it will be hard. So the only logical next question is to think outside the box and figure out what you want your life to look like, after the hardship, whether that means staying or leaving. Because even if you stay, you'll need the strenght to change the way things are. The answers are there. I feel for you and you have been on my mind today. Ron

Ernesto said...

Nice blog the entries are really honest!!! i am so stressed out in the past few days

Ray Ray said...

I'd like to offer advice here, but I know next to nothing about having a functional relationship!

I'm gonna steal from Oprah and say, make sure you love yourself first and then you'll attract a person that appreciates that.

It's great that you're not afraid to put your heart out there!

IT IS WHAT IT IS said...

HI
THANKS FOR EVERYONES POSTS
ITS GIVING ME THE HEADSPACE TO THINK ABOUT THIS MORE CLEARLY

ITS ALOT, I ASK FOR MORE STRENGTH

Ron said...

I just stopped by to check on you because you were on my mind. I'm sending you positive energy to help :)

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