Saturday, September 29, 2007

WHEN DO YOU KNOW ITS TIME?

I HAVE SOMEONE IN MY LIFE WHO HAS BEEN MY MAN GOING ON 3 YEARS. OUR RELATIONSHIP, LIKE MANY PEOPLES RELATIONSHIPS, HAS HAD ITS UP AND DOWNS. WHEN WE FIRST MET, THERE WAS AN INSTANT CONNECTION..WE SAW EACH OTHER EVERY DAY..BECAME EACH OTHERS BEST FRIEND AND TOLD ALL THE STORIES YOU TELL EACH OTHER TO FORM THAT TRUE GROUNDED BOND
I DIDNT THINK ID EVER MEET SOMEONE LIKE HIM, AND SUDDENLY I HAD. HE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME..HE WAS LIKE A COLD DRINK OF WATER ; REVIVING ME. I HAD SPENT SO MUCH TIME WORKING ON MY CAREER; PARTYING ON WEEKENDS..NEVER STOPPING FROM WORK, TO CLUBS, ETC.....ALWAYS DISTRACTED. BUT HERE HE WAS, LOVING ME..NEEDING ME...LISETENING TO ME. I WAS GOBSMACKED. BUT WITH ALL THAT LOVE CAME THE INEVITABLE STORM. THE TSUNAMI OF INSECURITY THAT HAS FED OFF OF ME CAME EVEN HARDER..I STARTED NOT TRUSTING MYSELF, MY INSTICNTS(WHICH ALWAYS SERVED ME AT WORK) MADE ME FEEL UNWORTHY OF THIS TROPHY I HAD BY MY SIDE. WAS HE REALLY INTO ME? WAS THIS ALL AN OPPORTUNISTIC MOVE? ALL MY FRENEMIES , BITH STRAIGHT AND GAY , HAD THEIR OPINIONS, AND SHARED THEN REGARDLESS OF MY WILLINGNESS TO HEAR IT. BUT AS THEY GOT TO SEE US BE US, THEY ALL SAID" HE REALLY REALLY LOVES YOU"..LOVES ME? ME? FAT JASON KANNER? WELL WOW, I GUESS THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS....

WHEN YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO LIVES DEEP IN THE CLOSET, YOU HAVE TO EXPECT ALOT OF DISAPPOINTMENT. I DIDNT CARE(BUT I REALLY DID). WHEN YOU LIE TO YOURSELF, ITS THE MOST MALIGNANT BETRAYAL TO YOUR HEART. YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH YOUR SUBCONCIOUS THAT YOU CAN BLOCK YOU FEELINGS..BUT ITS WEAKENS YOUR SPIRIT. I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT. ACT LIKE WE WERE FRIENDS TO THE PUBLIC, TWO STEPS BEHIND..IN FRONT OF...NEVER HAND IN HAND....IN FRONT OF MY FREINDS WHO WERE "SAFE" WE WERE THE AFFECTIONATE ENVY OF ALL. THE SCRIPT WOUDL FLIP ON A DIME..BUT HOW CAN YOU REALLY ROLL LIKE THAT. I THOUGHT I COULD TURN IT ON AND OFF..BUT I COULDNT. AND BECUASE I TOLD THAT LIKE, IT MADE ME RESENTFUL. AND THAT MANIFESTED IN ANGER. ANGER AT HIM FOR "MAKING ME" LIVE A LIE. ANGRY AT MYSELF ( SO LETS EAT SOME MORE!) FOR ONCE AGAIN BEING IN A HALF OF A RELATIONSHIP. DREADING THE INEVITABLE DISUSSSIONS WITH HIM WHICH WOULD BE MET WITH QUIET APOLOGIES AND INACTION.

NOW WE ARE THREE YEARS DEEP AND I AM STILL IN LOVE, BUT HATE THIS MAN. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO LOVE SOMEONE AND HATE THEM AT THE SAME TIME? ITS SOUNDS LYRICAL, BUT IT ISNT. ITS CONFUSING AND DESTRUCTIVE. I WANT MY LIFE TO SOUND LIEK A JILL SCOTT LOVESONG. " A LONG WALK" , ONE OF HER FIRST SINGLES, TO ME IS PURE LOVE. I SPEAKS OF JUST BEING INTOXICATED BY THE NEWNESS OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP..BUT ALSO ABOUT FINDING THE THINGS YOU LIEK TO DO TOGWTHER AND DOING IT OPENLY..TAKING A LONG WALK, AFTER DARK, AROUND THE PARK....AND WITH MY MAN WE NEVER DID THAT. WE BOTH USED OUR SHAME TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. HE LIVES A LIE( FAMILY CANT KNOW HE CREEPS WITH MEN, NOR HIS FRIENDS) AND HAS SHAME...I COSIGN THAT IT S OK TO HIDE IN YOUR CLOSET BECUASE I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO SEE YOU SUFFER ,AND I HATE MYSELF ENOUGHT TO SWALLOW THIS PILL OF SUFFERING. NO, HE DIDNT ASK ME TO DO THIS...BUT HE MADE SURE I WAS HOOKED ON HIM,LIKE A DRUG BEFORE ALL THIS MADNESS ENSUED.

WHAT DO I DO> BE FIERCE, TAKE A STAND..BE ALONE? I AM TRED OF BEING ALONE...I FEEL ALONE WITH HIM, BUT I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT HIM? DOES IT MAKE SENSE? IT DOESNT TO ME EITHER SO DONT FEEL ODD ..I BARELY GET IT MYSELF.

I WANT HIM, BUT ALL OF HIM . I ALSO WANT ME TO BE STRONG AND INDEPENDENT. HOW DID MY LOVELIFE BECOME SO MESSY? WHY IS IT SO? IF YOU AER OUT THERE AND YOU HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS..I AM OPEN TO HEAR IT

LOVE AND LIGHT

2 comments:

Peter said...

Jason, you know it only takes a single word to connect.

I hope all turns out well.

Ron Caron said...

Hi Jason. Wow, I stumbled upon your site from the "Beautiful" site where you had posted a comment. This is not what I expected to read. I know exactly what you are going through and I had conversations about this very topic this week with close friends of mine. I am not in your situation now but have been. And I have friends who are in the same position as you right now. Especially the emotionally position, or emotional confustion. I like to rely on my years of experience. I have been "out" since I was 17 and now I'm 42. I keep coming back to the fact the "love should be easy". The concept of love is easy, the action of making love is easy. So why do we make the rest of it so difficult. My personal belief is that people in your position, where I have been, are selling themselves short. It's really about a lack of self-esteem,a willingness to accept less than you KNOW you deserve. Somewhere back in your childhood you were convinced that you don't deserve true happiness and that you have to make extreme sacrifices, and lie to yourself about what you want and what you will accept from another person. It sounds like he loves you for who you are and that's why you love him. But do you really love him for who he is, and I mean ALL that he is and all the baggage that comes with him, or are you in love with the idea that someone loves you. We all want the same thing, for our love to be validated by ourselves, our partners, and the world around us. If you have to modify your behavior and concede to things you don't really want to concede to, then something is not right. You can't force him to live "out". It sounds like he is very comfortable living "in" and the times you are in a safe place to show off your love is an escape for him, not a reality. I would never tell you to break up with him. I would only ask that you examine yourself and whether or not you are truly happy. A relationship takes more than love. With all its ups and downs the foundation of it has to be that underneath, it is "easy". If you cry because of emotional release, that is good. If you cry because of emotional pain, that is not. This is not the forum to go into this much further and you can hit the big delete key and no offense will be taken. I know your story, I have lived your story and so have many others. Don't be afraid to be alone. In some ways, aren't you alone even though he is by your side? Please feel free to email me at rscaron@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. And please know that people out there in the world really can and do care about people they have never met. This is obviously weighing heavily on you because you posted this on a public blog. My name is Ron.

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